how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
