I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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