already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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