Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
