Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
