On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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