I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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