Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
