the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
