the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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