i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
