There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
