just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
