I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
