I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
