I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
