when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
