If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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