come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
