if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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