i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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