she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
