Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
