So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
