Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
