Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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