Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
