so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
