i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We left an ass print on the piano.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
