i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
