As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Alive.
So much puke
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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