im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
