I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
