I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
