Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
