I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
