New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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