Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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