Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
