All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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