He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
