right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
