I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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