...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
