My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
