Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
