I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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