We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
