I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
