i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
