You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
