Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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