Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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