Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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