Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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