Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
